I am glad to have a blog. I have been thinking about creating one for some time now. I do not have many, if any, friends to discuss life with, and well, I can't complain to my husband about him, now can I?
I have a lot of things that run through my head that aren't great. They aren't evil things, I would just prefer them not be known. But I like the idea of still being able to get it out.
I think this is kind of like a diary. I tried to keep diaries as a kid, never really worked for me.
For the most part, this post is just to explain how excited I am to have someone to talk to, somewhere to share my ideas, even if it is just me listening.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
The past: 1
Today, I pondered my past, as I often do. I wandered through the insides of my head. I discovered faces that I haven't seen in quite some time. I never question the path that lead me to where I am today, but I do tend to travel back over some covered tracks.
Today specifically, I was thinking about my middle school boyfriend. I was thinking about the first time I dated him, and how I had liked him so much. I was so shocked when I found out he had liked me too! I had never liked anyone this much before. To me, he was perfect. Everything I could have wanted. I then thought about the stupid reason I broke up with him, for drama. I really liked this guy, but I dumped him out of the blue just to create drama. I was in the sixth grade.
The next year we dated off and on, and again I'd always dump him just because I felt like it, although I really did like him. In my defense, he always dated me whenever someone broke up with him. He was in a long term relationship and after that, we were never the same.
There was an obvious linger between us. Whenever we would see each other in the hall, we would barely make eye contact. I still very much liked him, but I wasn't sure if he still liked me. All of me wishes I had had the guts to walk up to him and tell him how I felt, but the fear of rejection from him tormented me with the idea.
The last year I ever saw of him he was even more of what I wanted: piercings. Lip and eyebrow. My insides melted when I saw him. But I believed he had outgrown me, out-matured me.
I often think of what could had happen, had I not been so addicted to drama. We could have stayed together all of middle and high school, been high school sweet hearts. We could have just as easily not though.
As I think about this, I wonder if I am suppose to feel guilt about having these thoughts? I love my husband, but aren't the thoughts in my head private for me? Or is it wrong to think of a fantasy life that doesn't involve my husband or children? I feel slightly less guilty than I perhaps should because I am thinking of the past with another man. I am not thinking about my future with another man. But I know in my heart if my husband had thoughts of having wound up with a different woman, my feelings would be hurt.
Still, I cannot shake these thoughts. I have them often, not necessarily about this guy, not necessarily not this guy. Any guy.
It doesn't mean I don't love my life, but a girl is allowed to dream, right?
Today specifically, I was thinking about my middle school boyfriend. I was thinking about the first time I dated him, and how I had liked him so much. I was so shocked when I found out he had liked me too! I had never liked anyone this much before. To me, he was perfect. Everything I could have wanted. I then thought about the stupid reason I broke up with him, for drama. I really liked this guy, but I dumped him out of the blue just to create drama. I was in the sixth grade.
The next year we dated off and on, and again I'd always dump him just because I felt like it, although I really did like him. In my defense, he always dated me whenever someone broke up with him. He was in a long term relationship and after that, we were never the same.
There was an obvious linger between us. Whenever we would see each other in the hall, we would barely make eye contact. I still very much liked him, but I wasn't sure if he still liked me. All of me wishes I had had the guts to walk up to him and tell him how I felt, but the fear of rejection from him tormented me with the idea.
The last year I ever saw of him he was even more of what I wanted: piercings. Lip and eyebrow. My insides melted when I saw him. But I believed he had outgrown me, out-matured me.
I often think of what could had happen, had I not been so addicted to drama. We could have stayed together all of middle and high school, been high school sweet hearts. We could have just as easily not though.
As I think about this, I wonder if I am suppose to feel guilt about having these thoughts? I love my husband, but aren't the thoughts in my head private for me? Or is it wrong to think of a fantasy life that doesn't involve my husband or children? I feel slightly less guilty than I perhaps should because I am thinking of the past with another man. I am not thinking about my future with another man. But I know in my heart if my husband had thoughts of having wound up with a different woman, my feelings would be hurt.
Still, I cannot shake these thoughts. I have them often, not necessarily about this guy, not necessarily not this guy. Any guy.
It doesn't mean I don't love my life, but a girl is allowed to dream, right?
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